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Sigh of Happiness
01.28.05 (6:49 pm)   [edit]
Yay i knew something good would happen eventually if i waited long enough
but 3 years... come on
ANYWAY
Ok there is this girl i know Kasamdra, she is amazing, Beautiful/Cute/Gorgeous there isnt a word to describe her. I have actually know her for quite a while we just didnt realize it, i knew her back in high school, she used to work at the arcade i normally go to, she worked with my friends. She was going out with my "friend" Mike for a while, they broke up...that was about 2 years back, he was actually more of an aquaintance then a friend. Ok well recently we started talking and ive become quite interested in her, and im thinking she is interested in me as well. Ok well we have been hanging out and going to the movies for a bit, and last night i said "hey lets watch movies at your house" because she moved into a new place and i wanted to see it. I had planned to borrow some movies from my friend, but he wasnt feeling good and couldnt bring them by, so we went to blockbuster to rent some.

We got a movie called "The Naked Truth" (DONT rent this, its a horrible attepmt at a Players Club knockoff) and Wicker Park. While we watched the movies she laid her head im my lap and we held hands. About half way through the second movie (Wicker Park) we ended up kissing, sigh of happiness, its been over 3 years since i have kissed someone i have feelings for. We kissed several times later that evening, and everytime after i could see something in her eyes. It was like a calming, passionate, deep sighing look in her eyes. Im thinking that this could blossom into something more. She has dated alot of assholes in the past and i feel sorry for her, I think that we could benifit each other. Ive never met anyone like her before, and i think she is amazing in soo many ways. After the movies i watched a little bit of T.V. and she just laid her head on my chest. She said "I can hear your heartbeat, why is it beating soo fast?" I really didnt know, i mean my heart was beating fast before i kissed her, but that was a while back. Its probably because i was remembering the look in her eyes after we kissed. Well after a little T.V. she got up grabbed the blanket off me and pulled me into her room, and we just fell asleep cuddling and kissing.

I woke up at like 10 AM and got some water and when i opened the door i woke her up on accident, when i came back i remembered that she was always saying how her body hurt from work, she was still semi awake, so i decided to give her a massage to put her to sleep. I could feel her muscles loosening up and relaxing, at the same time it was relaxing me as well. I didnt realize it but it had been an hour since i started giving her a massage. Then we went back to sleep for another 4 hours or so. We got up and i helped her clean a little bit, then she took me home. I am thinking about asking her to be my gf, im not sure. Well she gets off at 2Am tonight so im gonna talk to her then, maybe see her again tomorrow.

Ok im off for now
Bye All
 
Why?...
01.21.05 (5:47 am)   [edit]

Hi all


I havent been doing too good recently, it seems that love has evaded me yet again.  I went to visit my friend/ex girlfriend  Claudia last weekend.  We had originally planned for her to come visit me, also there was a tournament for DDR that is held every few months, she was gonna enter but couldnt come.  So i decided to skip the tourny and go visit her, alot of my friends were mad at me because I didnt go.  Sorry but Claudia is the most important person to me next to my mother.  She has been there for me no matter what, wether it was just listening to me cry my heart out cause I had a horrible day, or if I was just lonely and needed someone there to just comfort me. 


That brings me to my point.  I originally went down there to just visit cause we seems to have a calming and relaxing effect on eachother, no matter what kind of day we were having.  Well as i neared the city all i could think about was her, and how much i missed her.  That inturn brought thoughts of when we were together, and how happy we were.  We only broke up cause we lived in different cities, and the distance was taking a toll on our relationship.  It was mutual and we decided that we would put a hold on the relationship till we could straighten our lives out a bit.  I decided about 2 weeks ago that i was gonna move back to L.A. and actually go to Devry this time.  Well when i decided that i thought that maybe we could continue our relationship, and since we were seeing each other more maybe we could continue it for the remainder of the time i was in bakersfield, which is about 5 months.  Anyway when i was picked up at the greyhound bus terminal, she got a ride from her "friend" Garret.  Well after i was picked up we went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory, pretty good food. 


After that we went to the arcade, i had some fun there.  When i was coming back from getting tokens i seen her and Garret kiss.  That was the worst pain my heart had ever felt.  Typing this right now is bringing that pain back, but i can work through it.  It felt as though i was having a heart attack, it was almost crippling.  I just turned around and went to play a game.  As i was playing the game i was telling myself that i never intended to get back with her on this trip, but deep in my heart i did intend to.  Pretty much the whole time after that i would stare off into the distance and wonder ...why? 
Why did i have to see that?
Why did it hurt so much?
Why couldnt i put that behind me?
Why is love like a comet?
(Its beautiful when its flying near the earth, but most of the time it never gets near it)
Its like im the Earth and love is the comet.


I still love and care for her alot.  I dont know if she truely realizes that, maybe she does.  But she noticed out of the corner of her eye, that something was bothering me.  I just couldnt tell her for some reason, or when i wanted to there were too many people around.  She understands me better than anyone, even better than my family and close friends.  She can tell when im lying and when something is bothering me.  But i tried to forget what was bothering me for the moment, and try to have fun while we had some time together.  On my last night there she asked me a question that still bugs me.  "How can you stand me?", i said "What do you mean by that?"  She said "Well i dont think i contribute that much as a person."  I asked her what made her say that, and she told me that her ex made her question herself and what she contributes.  I told her to never let something another person said or did, change who you are in a bad way.  "You are a beautiful person, and i dont want you changing that."  That made me think about what made her ask that and why?  I could tell that there was another reason she asked that, and thats what really bothered me.


I still couldnt talk to her about Garret, until i got home and talked to her online.  I have just been real tired of all this running around with girls and my heart.  My heart is tired and i dont know if i can take much more.  Im not sure what to do.  Maybe something will come along to ease the pain, or maybe even get rid of it.


Well guys im off for now, i cant type much more cause this pain is really getting to me.


TTYL