Yay i knew something good would happen eventually if i waited long enough but 3 years... come on ANYWAY Ok there is this girl i know Kasamdra, she is amazing, Beautiful/Cute/Gorgeous there isnt a word to describe her. I have actually know her for quite a while we just didnt realize it, i knew her back in high school, she used to work at the arcade i normally go to, she worked with my friends. She was going out with my "friend" Mike for a while, they broke up...that was about 2 years back, he was actually more of an aquaintance then a friend. Ok well recently we started talking and ive become quite interested in her, and im thinking she is interested in me as well. Ok well we have been hanging out and going to the movies for a bit, and last night i said "hey lets watch movies at your house" because she moved into a new place and i wanted to see it. I had planned to borrow some movies from my friend, but he wasnt feeling good and couldnt bring them by, so we went to blockbuster to rent some.
We got a movie called "The Naked Truth" (DONT rent this, its a horrible attepmt at a Players Club knockoff) and Wicker Park. While we watched the movies she laid her head im my lap and we held hands. About half way through the second movie (Wicker Park) we ended up kissing, sigh of happiness, its been over 3 years since i have kissed someone i have feelings for. We kissed several times later that evening, and everytime after i could see something in her eyes. It was like a calming, passionate, deep sighing look in her eyes. Im thinking that this could blossom into something more. She has dated alot of assholes in the past and i feel sorry for her, I think that we could benifit each other. Ive never met anyone like her before, and i think she is amazing in soo many ways. After the movies i watched a little bit of T.V. and she just laid her head on my chest. She said "I can hear your heartbeat, why is it beating soo fast?" I really didnt know, i mean my heart was beating fast before i kissed her, but that was a while back. Its probably because i was remembering the look in her eyes after we kissed. Well after a little T.V. she got up grabbed the blanket off me and pulled me into her room, and we just fell asleep cuddling and kissing.
I woke up at like 10 AM and got some water and when i opened the door i woke her up on accident, when i came back i remembered that she was always saying how her body hurt from work, she was still semi awake, so i decided to give her a massage to put her to sleep. I could feel her muscles loosening up and relaxing, at the same time it was relaxing me as well. I didnt realize it but it had been an hour since i started giving her a massage. Then we went back to sleep for another 4 hours or so. We got up and i helped her clean a little bit, then she took me home. I am thinking about asking her to be my gf, im not sure. Well she gets off at 2Am tonight so im gonna talk to her then, maybe see her again tomorrow.
I havent been doing too good recently, it seems that love has evaded me yet again. I went to visit my friend/ex girlfriend Claudia last weekend. We had originally planned for her to come visit me, also there was a tournament for DDR that is held every few months, she was gonna enter but couldnt come. So i decided to skip the tourny and go visit her, alot of my friends were mad at me because I didnt go. Sorry but Claudia is the most important person to me next to my mother. She has been there for me no matter what, wether it was just listening to me cry my heart out cause I had a horrible day, or if I was just lonely and needed someone there to just comfort me.
That brings me to my point. I originally went down there to just visit cause we seems to have a calming and relaxing effect on eachother, no matter what kind of day we were having. Well as i neared the city all i could think about was her, and how much i missed her. That inturn brought thoughts of when we were together, and how happy we were. We only broke up cause we lived in different cities, and the distance was taking a toll on our relationship. It was mutual and we decided that we would put a hold on the relationship till we could straighten our lives out a bit. I decided about 2 weeks ago that i was gonna move back to L.A. and actually go to Devry this time. Well when i decided that i thought that maybe we could continue our relationship, and since we were seeing each other more maybe we could continue it for the remainder of the time i was in bakersfield, which is about 5 months. Anyway when i was picked up at the greyhound bus terminal, she got a ride from her "friend" Garret. Well after i was picked up we went to eat at the Cheesecake Factory, pretty good food.
After that we went to the arcade, i had some fun there. When i was coming back from getting tokens i seen her and Garret kiss. That was the worst pain my heart had ever felt. Typing this right now is bringing that pain back, but i can work through it. It felt as though i was having a heart attack, it was almost crippling. I just turned around and went to play a game. As i was playing the game i was telling myself that i never intended to get back with her on this trip, but deep in my heart i did intend to. Pretty much the whole time after that i would stare off into the distance and wonder ...why? Why did i have to see that? Why did it hurt so much? Why couldnt i put that behind me? Why is love like a comet? (Its beautiful when its flying near the earth, but most of the time it never gets near it) Its like im the Earth and love is the comet.
I still love and care for her alot. I dont know if she truely realizes that, maybe she does. But she noticed out of the corner of her eye, that something was bothering me. I just couldnt tell her for some reason, or when i wanted to there were too many people around. She understands me better than anyone, even better than my family and close friends. She can tell when im lying and when something is bothering me. But i tried to forget what was bothering me for the moment, and try to have fun while we had some time together. On my last night there she asked me a question that still bugs me. "How can you stand me?", i said "What do you mean by that?" She said "Well i dont think i contribute that much as a person." I asked her what made her say that, and she told me that her ex made her question herself and what she contributes. I told her to never let something another person said or did, change who you are in a bad way. "You are a beautiful person, and i dont want you changing that." That made me think about what made her ask that and why? I could tell that there was another reason she asked that, and thats what really bothered me.
I still couldnt talk to her about Garret, until i got home and talked to her online. I have just been real tired of all this running around with girls and my heart. My heart is tired and i dont know if i can take much more. Im not sure what to do. Maybe something will come along to ease the pain, or maybe even get rid of it.
Well guys im off for now, i cant type much more cause this pain is really getting to me.
Yesterday, my friend from L.A. came down here, most of the day we spent in the mall, i ran into an old friend from school, Anthony Barboza, and i also ran into my aunts, you would never know that i was related to them unless i told you, but anyway After the mall we headed back to my place, and we checked the schedule and found out that they had changed the schedules around the night before. So we had to find another route and bunch of other crap. We ended up finding one that left at 8:40, by that time it was 6:30, so we only had like 1 hour or so left to spend together. Anyway we just laid down and watched TV, i ended up nodding off for a bit, i had only got like 3 hours sleep the night before. We just cuddled the rest of the time, i guess her break up was kinda hard on her, and she just needed someone to comfort her Well we get to the Greyhound station, and her bus gets there, but they only have 1 seat left. So she has to wait another 45 min for the next one. While we waited there, we talked about me moving back down to L.A. I really need to move back down there. Cause Bakersfield has nothing to offer me, i just realized that way too late. Im hoping that i will be able to move back there in about 6-7 months. Im also gonna save up to go to Japan around that time. My friend brought up that idea to me, it has always been one of my dreams to go to Japan. I love the culture, the way of life, and everything about it. We have estimated that its gonna be about $1200 for the trip, $700 for the plane ticket (round trip), and then a hotel room for 5 days, food, transportation, and cant forget souveneirs. Its gonna be about 5 people going. Im just gonna try to be one of those 5. Well im off for now
ok my christmas kinda suxed because first off my sister was being a total selfish bitch, which ended up making my mom really upset, and just really pissing off alot of people, especially me what happened was my sister the nights before had gone out with her friends and she said that she was only gonna be gone for like 1 hour, but ended up staying out till 5AM and i was watching her daughter, i fell asleep at 3AM, me and my parents tried to call her several times on her cell phone, she finally answered my call after 4 trys and said "im on my way" that was at 2AM, well she ended up sleeping in till about 4 PM, and we left our house at noon, it pissed us off cause she can find time for her friends damn near every night of the week, but cant spend 1 fucking day with her family so while she was at home her and my parents had an exchange of words over the phone, and i had sent her a really nasty message, i called her a selfish fucking bitch, i dont regret it, so m,ost of my christmas was fighting it really kinda suxed but there were some good times well i have to go grocery shopping im off for now
On Sunday i went down to L.A. to visit my Ex Claudia, the weird thing is that her boyfriend invited me down there, he was having a little meetup for DDR. So i took the greyhound bus down there, when i get there i meet Andrew (her boyfriend) and her friend Tanya (she is cool as hell). Andrew really didnt seem like someone she would date, but anyway, after introductions we headed down to Tanyas house, on the way there i gave them a CD of my friend Jinsius' music (he does mostly hard trance and DDR inspired music/remixes). They loved it, im just trying to help him get noticed and stuff, anyway we had some interesting conversations about marine bioligy on the way there (Tanya is a marine bioligist major <-spelling) makes me think twice about some fishy dishes.
Well we get there and Andrew and Tanya are doing some work on her comp so me and Claudia watch some Naruto DVD's, the subbing on it was soo horrible that i had to basically retranslate it for her, she loves that series now. After the comp work was done we headed to Lowes for some stuff that he needed, then we headed to wendys for some food, that is not the greatest place for food, Then we headed to his friend Kellys place. We started to get things set up for the meetup, all the while playing some IIDX Kelly is a freakin god on that game, i didnt even want to attepmt it, i suck so hard at that game.
Well all the people showed up, i felt kinda shy at first till they started talking about anime, then i jumped in and it went from there, all the people i met there are really cool, reminded me of some friends here in Bakersfield. Well i had alot of fun there playing DDR, meetin new friends and talking about a bucha shit. We left there at about 5PM cause Tanya had to go to work, we were all pretty tired cause we played too much DDR. Claudia crashed out and i think Tanya was asleep too, i had too many things on my mind to sleep, after we dropped off Tanya Andrew asked if he could drop me off at the greyhound then, but the next bus didnt leave for another 3 hours, so we were gonna try and see what we could do till then, Claudia suggested a movie, but Andrew said in kinda a cocky voice "can we do something that doesnt cost money?" I could tell that he was irritated, so we stopped by Claudia's house, it shad been almost 2 years since i had been by there, her mom missed me soo much =D, her little sister was soo shy towards me, i held her when she was like 2 weeks old, so i wasnt surprised that she was soo shy, but she had grown soo much, i was like "Wow, its been that long since ive seen any of you..." we went in Claudia room and it brought back all my memories of her, I was kind of overwhelmed, but its wasnt a bad thing, they were all very good and happy memories.
I couldnt help but smile that whole time, it just reminded me of how much happier i was back then, i might have lived in a rat hole apartment and didnt have a car or anything, but i was happy, something that i havent been in a very long time. It just made me want to move back there even more, hopefully i will soon. I want to move back, Claudia and her Mom want me to move back, in this town i dont see myself going anywhere, anyone i know that has done anything with there life ,from this town, has moved away. I just need to save up some money or go back to Devry and get student loans and shit like that, I really just need to figure out what im gonna do with my life. Anyway while we were at Claudia's we decided to go by the arcade, but on the way there we decided to go by El Pollo Locos, and get something to eat instead. I was telling them how my life has been and stuff like that, they also said that i should move back to L.A.
Well we headed to the bus station and it was kinda silent the whole way there, while we waited there Andrew got out of the car for a few minutes to go to the store or something, while he was gone we chatted a little bit, then the bus came and as we said our goodbyes she gave me a very big hug the kind that normally ends with a kiss, but this one didnt, i felt weird as hell cause her boyfriend was right in front of me the whole time, i just didnt want to do anything that might have started an arguement later
Well the bus ride home wasnt all that great cause i think that Wendy's that i ate kinda got to me, so i just basically slept it off, when i get home i get on AIM and started chatting with Claudia, and she tells me that she broke up with Andrew on the ride home, i knew that there was something wrong between them, when we went to her house he wanted to drop us off and see if her mom would take me to the bus station, she said "No, im not going to put that on my mom, you said you were gonna take him the the bus station and your not going to back out now!" She was soo pissed at him because of that, and she told me as we were walking to her apartment, "if he asks my mom to do that i will be very fucking pissed at him!" he was way ahead of us so he didnt hear her. Hearing that theuy broke up brought up thoughts that i dont think i should have been thinking at that moment. If we were to get back together, would it be the same as it used to, I still love her but does she still love me, how would this change our "friendship"? She is coming down here around the 19th, in about 2 weeks, i dont know how things are gonna be when she comes down, well we will see.
Im gonna talk to her tomorrow...err today i mean, im just kinda confused, and thinking too much right now, and when i start thinking too much it helps to post on here, i dont know why i post these looong ass blogs its not like anyone cares.
My ex from L.A. came down to visit, but she could only stay for the day, It had been almost 2 years since i seen her last, my mom was also really glad to see her too, that was kinda weird for some reason well she came down at 10 AM and we stopped by my house and kinda caught up on old times, then we walked down to the arcade in the mall we stayed there for a while and she met some of my friends, after that we went down to the food court and we met up with my friend Marky, while i was getting food she talked to marky, we had alot fun in the food court, after that we headed back to the arcade for a little bit more, she was whooping me in DDR =/ after that we headed to the movies and seen Saw, OMG my arm hurts cause she was gripping it soo hard, it was a good movie though, i highly recommend it to everyone
While we walked back to my house we had a long talk about somethings, and she got me thinking about where im heading in my life and how im approaching aspects of my life
I was soo glad that she stopped by because i really needed some positive re-enforcment right now and she has always been there for me, as i have for her It just sux because she had to leave at 8 o'clock, well we decided to try and do this at least once a month, and she would be able to stay for the weekend instead of for a few hours
Hopefully she will be able to come back down in like 2 weeks
well i had my "party" last night, almost nobody showed up, well i guess that shows who my real friends are
and of the people that did show up none of them drink so i bought enought alcohol for about 8 people to get really drunk, but there was only me there drinking, later on 2 of my friends ahow up, they drink...then they misteriously disappear and say no word of it, fuck them, my friend becky stopped by, she had to get rid of her boyfriend, he is soo jealous, anyway the night was ehh, we basically sat around and played PS2, there were only 5 people or so there, i invited like 20+ people, they call me and say yeah man we are on our way, then they never show up, dude dont just lie to me just say you cant make it, all i asked was that you guys stopped by and said hi
so to all of you who didnt show up yet said you were on your way, FUCK YOU!!! So my B-Day pretty much sucked, as they always do, well im gonna sit here watch TV and pass out candy to little kids
My life fucking sux right now but thats a post for another day
well goodbye all i gotta answer the little trick or treater before they egg my house Later
well in the morn a played the hell out of GTA: San Andreas then had some cake and whatnot, pretty good cake then we go to the local Chilis restaurant, great food, the waitress was flirting with me, she went on break before i could get her number on the way home picked up a 6-pack of Smirnoff Triple Black, it was an ok day This saturday im having my party, invited alot of people, we will see who shows up, planning to get really drunk
well i figured i would post before the day was over
ok my friend left for texas today, and last night we had a going away party for him that was the best night i have had in a long time, everyone there got shitfaced as hell, we had soo much fun, but i learned a valuable lesson... do not mix screwdrivers, vanilla vodka, parrot bay, and bacardi triple black in one night i woke up still pretty drunk
oh yeah i am going as terry bogard for halloween...a video game character speaking of halloween my 21st bday is like 5 days before halloween, so i am having a halloween party/birthday party hopefully it will turn out better than my last party...Bastards, anyway things are looking up for me, i met a few girls last night, i got there screen names at least, but becky is still number one on my list
well thats all for today so i leave you with a picture of me with part of my halloween costume on
ok my parents went out of town from thursday till about monday
and me and my sister wanted to have a party, so we invited friends over everynight since my parents left, my sisters friends are the "cool kids" they drive cars there mommies bought and think they are fucking gods gift to the human race, cause they have rich parents well my friends are what most people would call "dorks" from first sight, well thats what the stupid people would see, an intelligent person looks past that the the actual person, anyways well i have a few friends over on thursday night we hang out and play games nothing really "fun" but on friday night like 6 more of my friends show up, and we are having a little bit of fun, then my sisters friends show up and after a few drinks they start fucking with them, im immune i guess cause im there friends brother well they start asking questions to some of my friends, and they choose not to answer and whatnot...they continue to bug them till they get some kind of answer, like one of my friends id bisexual, i have no problem with that he is a very cool guy, so the whole time they are here they refer to him as "bi-guy", i find that really fucking disrespectful, so i tell my sis " hey you better thell your friend to lighten up, cause you know that aint fucking cool at all." so she does this.. just lighten up on the guy crap, doesnt work they just move on to another of my friends...and this continues the whol night
well one of the guys stays the night and he is still instigating the situation, till he basically passes out in a drunken stupor, ok so fri night comes and i have a few more friends then the previous night, and they dont stay long cause there are even more of my sisters "friends" here. well i choose to stay, cause i was really kinda tired, and this same kinda crap, continued till tonight where is kinda gets too outta hand, only a few of my friends come and we are having a blast till my sis friends show up... they dont start messing with us till they start to drink. we are playing a few games and my sis' friends are sitting outside and talking then we hear some shit talking about one of my friends so i walk over there and say " you know what this is my fucking house, we are sitting here bothering nobody, then you guys start in with your shit talking, ok if you want to continue staying here and drinking then SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT MY FRIENDS!!!" and i slam the sliding glass door and lock it, then my sis comes in and start giving me this crap that they werent saying anything, well we heard them talking about my friend and then they look at him and start talking more shit, so they shut the fuck up or leave plain and simple, i am not having any of my friends disrespected because your friends are pricks" so she gives them the same "stop talking shit about his friends" crap. then one of the guys takes offense and start going off and i really wanted to grab a fucking bat and beat the shit out of them cause they were really fucking pissing me off, that died down then they come in and 2 of my friends are sitting on the couch next to each other talking, and she leaves, and they immediatly run over "so did you fuck her?", and bug him about that for like 15 min, then they get bored, and like 1 hour later they come back in and 2 more of my friends are sitting and kissing, and they see on of his PS2 memory cards that says "MEAT" they start asking him about that, and he says its just a nick name, then one of the guys says "Hey if your nick names meat then you should have a big dick, right." Well they bug the fuck out of them, and start going off on a bunch of shit and making my friends feel real uncomfotable , i felt really fucking bad about it, so im kinda pissed off cause none of my friends are gonna want to come over anymore, and its just cause my sisters friends are a bunch of fucking pricks
well i had to get that shit out, cause its really fucking getting to me, so i have been apolagizing to all my friends here
i went to go see RE:apocalypse, loved it, great movie oh and i went to go see without a paddle, funny ass movie seen both of them with Sarah, thanx girl
well ive been in and out of a depressing mood, but ive been happier than i have been heres a pic of me, i cant sleep so i was messing around with the camera well im still dealing with things but im slowly getting over them
i really need to post more dont you think? well im off for now late all
i have been thinking a little too much these past few years, and its kinda taken a toll on me, ive lost alot of me, thats been kinda ripped off and replaced with something different, something that doesnt fit, i just cant see me anymore, its all lost under these layers of ...stuff, ive also put up a barrier to keep alot of other stuff that will warp me, so in the end im someone who really doesnt even know himself, and wont let anyone in to help him I just dont know who i am or what i want anymore, i had ideals and goals, but they have just been ripped away or covered up never to be seen again, your supposed to leave everything in fates hand, let fate deal with it, but fate has really fucked me over, so i try to do everything myself, that way i have nobody else to blame but myself
I need to vent alot of emotions too, theres is just too much emotion bottled up inside this shell that i have created for myself, and it sometimes blows up when i dont want it to, and thats really something that i fear most about me, when i was younger i had big issues with my sister, i would "be the bigger man" alot of times and walk away bottling all my anger up, when one day it all blew up, and i ended up choking the shit out of my sister, if my mom hadnt kicked me off of her i might have regreted it for the rest of my life, and when i look at what i became at that moment... that is the scariest thing i have seen in my life, and ever since that moment i put up a barrier to prevent anything like that from happening again, but in the process i blocked anyone from helping me, so i really just hurt myself alot
Sometimes i wish i could just go away for a month to just find myself, and the really cant happen, if i could go camping in the middle of the forest for 1 month with no human contact what so ever, i would come back a better and more open person
right now i have to go, im getting really teary eyed, and nobody wants to see me cry, i guess i just need someone that understand me right now, but thats really hard find, well there might be someone out there who understand me...
Well how are all of you? Been soo long since ive had a comp
ok well ive been searching for a job all over, no luck so far, but ill get one eventually well as for my comp troubles i had a friend that sold me 2 of his older harddrives for 5 $, great deal, anyway i had to take it over to my friends house and scan and format and bla bla bla, comp geek stuff the seem alright im using my sis comp and installing the harddrives right now *crosses fingers* As for my love life, im talking to a few girls through AIM, 1 of them lives right down the street from me but she doesnt want to meet me just yet, im cool with that, shes a real cool person fun to talk to , has an obsession with koalas... whatever but im wanting to meet her face to face, cause all ive seen was a few pictures of her, well besides that ive been kinda bored doing nothing
oh i just got a new game, Everquest: Champions of Norrath, ive played baldurs gate Dark alliance 1 and this game is made by the same people, game is soo much fun, oh and my friends talked me into getting a harddrive for my ps2 also, that way i can save game onto it so that i dont have to risk having my disks scratched up, which happens all the time, but the games load faster and whatnot
well my truck is slowly getting up on its feet, once i find a decent job ill be able to get it running, but since im on unemployment i get in one month what i would have normally got in 2 weeks at my other jobs, so it kinda sux, but ill get back on my feet sooner or later
well im off for now need to go check if these harddrives work later all
P.S. If ya want to chat on AIM my Screenname is: BigInitialD, i mostly use the aim program on my phone so it will seem like im taking forever to type messages
First off 1000 views YAY!!! people actually look at my blog, wow i never knew you guys cared
ok its been a while since I posted , but I have had limited acess to a comp
ok me and my friends (about 14 of them) went to go see AVP this weekend, the first showing, and we all loved it, could have been longer, but a good movie
when i logged onto Tblog all i hear is "AVP sux, AVP sux!"
I think they did a bit of a poor marketing job, marketed to the wrong people, you have had to play a few of the games to have liked it there are about 7 games, havent played the jaguar one, dunno if different from NeoGeo version in Chronological order NES: Alien Vs. Predator (never released) NeoGeo: Alien Vs. Predator (Side Scrolling) PC: Alien Vs. Predator (FPS) PC: Alien Vs. Predator 2 (FPS) PC: Alien Vs. Predator 2: Primal Hunt (FPS) PS2/Xbox: Alien Vs. Predator:Extinction (RTS)
ok play one of those, the director could have been better he did Resident Evil great movie but could have been better, and he also directing RE: Apocalypse, and Driver the movie
The Movie in itself is impossible by the movie timelines and such, so this movie esentially in another dimention,i love how they had one Xenomorph (alien) who had the netmarks on its head as a rival of sorts the predators looked great, loved the large hulking one
and alot of people were kinda lost through the movie, this movie was one of those you have to see the previous before you see this one, so alot of people didnt like it cause they couldnt understand
Alot of people didnt like this movie cause it had a crap plot or not enough action, well i think that they did a great job with the plot, these were 2 different movies and they blended them together pretty well, the action they were expecting was from the previous movies, both creatures stalk there prey for a while, and they had to do that for both species, the movie could have been about 30 min longer, and it would have been alot better, but im happy with what turned out
The idea and movie was great, in the hands of a better director it would have been a blockbuster
All i have to say is people dont get your heart all pumped up for anything cause your not let down then, your dropped, and its 3 times as bad, just expect a good movie not the best movie your ever gonna see and thats why people are giving it such bad reviews, cause they expected to see this 10+ star movie and what they got was an 8 Star, so they say well since it wasnt what i wanted it to be then ill give it a 3
Just dont get too excited about anything, cause the truth only makes it 3 times worse
me and some of my friends are gonna go clubbin and party all that weekend, cant wait ima try and meet some girls in the process
well some of my friends are making a car club, and they wanted me to design there logo, so for the past few days i have been doodling , and they finally decided on one of my designs so i now need to scan the picture and clean it up in photoshop and such speaking of photoshop i just made a new Sig feedback please
if you havent noticed i like Amy Lee of Evanesence, very beautiful girl, and the background reminds me of my ex, but in a good way doesnt make me sad
well i have been down at my friends house for a few days now, just having alot of fun, i went down the street to my other friends house today and helped him set up his PS2 for broadband, i let him use my PS2 network adapter and my copy of Resident Evil Outbreak, we played that for a few hours, and i watched some zombies get deadified :D, but anyway after that i went and watched day after tomorrow, at our local theater, for like 2$ you can watch older movies what a good movie, but me and my friends were joking around the whole time, soo much fun
well im get off here and play my new copy of Guilty Gear: Isuka, YARG, 4-player Guilty Gear fun insues
Well, im off for now and dont forget to comment on my Sig
ok i just seen the movie last night it started out kinda like a bad night, i was the 7th wheel like always, can never find a date
but we start watching the movie, and that shit gets creepy as hell, the creatures.... very original and good design, the movie IMO was very good, if you have watched the documentary on M. Night you would understand the movie a bit better all his movies are about "what if?" or the unknown the ending was pretty good worth the money
Ok well here is an update since my sis got a comp while im working on my old one Well i jusat got back form like a 4 day party at my friends, it was so fun from Friday night till Monday morning, everyone getting drunk and having soo much fun well im nearly done with the repair on my truck, its just the registartion and insurance that i have to worry about ($500 at least) i might have a good job soon also my friend is gonna talk to his boss and see if he can get me an interview Next weekend i might go to the movies on a double date with my friend and his gf, gonna go see AVP and my puppyHarley is getting so big, bigger than my other dogs and hes only 5 months old oh yeah the people from my town had our local DDR tournament and some people from Fresno came and completly kicked our asses we had fun though
i think thats about it for today well im off for now
well sorry guys i havent updated in a while but my comp is fucked and i dont know how long its gonna be till its fixed im at my friends house ill make an actual update ASAP but this is just to let yall know that im still here
a short update: well same ol same ol but im working on getting my truck fixed, still 700$ to go and after that ima save up another 400$ or so that way i can get a Studio apartment hopefully ill be at least halfway there by my birthday 10/26/04 its my 21st so ima have some fun, 2 months and counting
well ill get more indepth when i get my comp fixed but until now im off
Well i was gonna post this like 2 days ago but my buddy from the army was here for 2 days and hes leaving in a week so me and him went out and partied a bit anyway back to the subject Well my niece got some pictures taken and she looks soo old in them, she reminds me of my cousins in Alaska havent seen them in like 4 years, but she looks soo cute and figured i would post them so here they are
She loves bears/care bears, and one of my dogs names is bear
How can you not smile uncontrollably at that face
I cant believe how much she looks like my cousin in that picture
these are just my fav ones can you beleive that she is only 2 years old thats my little booger butt, such a funny kid, no matter what she can always find a way to put a smile on my face dont mind the color its just something the photo place does to prevent people from printing out the pictures on there home printers
Ok this is about a girl that is a good friend of mine, Becky
We met through one of my other friends, Morrigan, and i was interested in Becky, but before that there was this girl, Kari, i liked both of them, so i took shots at both of them, kari just got out of a 2 year long realationship and she just wanted to forget him, so tada im there, kari and morrigan come over to my house alot and me and kari just sit together cuddling while watching movies, and morrigan tells me that if kari was ready for a boyfriend that she would go out with me, i was happy cause not to many girls are interested in me, so we start hanging out a bit more, then she tells me that she doesnt want to get into a serious realationship, because she was going off to college and she didnt want that heartbreak, i could understand (read about claudia below) so i still saw her but we just didnt go for a realationship, just cuddle a bit every now and then. A bit before me and kari decided to not persue a realationship, i was introduced to becky, ok i liked both of these girls quite a bit, so both of them would come over to my house (bachlor pad at the time) morrigan would bring them over so they never met face to face, but same with beck she had just got out of a 3 year realtionship, and again tada im there, at the time she had long hair, which is a feature i look for in women, so when she would come over she would lay her head in my lap and i would just run my fingers through her hair and she would just fall asleep, that is a thing i do to all girls, but i would cuddle with here alot also, but she thought that i was more interested in Kari, and after me and kari decided to just be friends, becky not long after started to go out with morrigans cousin, i was heart broken
:::::::::::Heres The Timeline about 3 months .......V |---------Kari------| time i had contact with kari ....................|-| time in which my heart got broke ................|-------becky------- time i started having contact w/ becky
Well Kari went off to college Becky goes out with a morrigans cousin for a while and every girl since then, that i have persued, has had a boyfriend or just started to go out with someone its been about 2 years now since i met becky, and me and her have kept in contact, through messages on our phones, and i heard that she had broken up with her present boyfriend, so i gave her sometime, and i said "so what are the chances of there being a me and you?" and she replies "Im not ready for a realationship right now." ok i respect that, so i still talk to her, about 1 week later she tells me that she started to go out with this guy. Again my heart was stomped on, at this point in my life im surprised i still have a heartbeat, i say "wow im happy for you..." at the time i still couldnt say what i felt, so i said what would make them happy
The deal with me and girls i like: ok if im interested in a girl and she does something like above i care more for there feeling than my own, say i would rather take a shot then do something to upset them, i know its stupid, but this has been the situation for as long as i can remember.
Now i have given up on persuing becky, but she pulls me back in, ok she calls me up and is like "i havent seen you in soo long lets go hangout" im like "ok, what should we do?" she says "lets go rent some movies." so she comes and picks me up we go to the local movie rental place and get 2 movies, both action, we get back to her house she introduces me to her parents, we go to her room and sit on her bed and watch the movies. We are both laying back and relaxed on the bed, we start to fool around, pillow fights and such, so i grab her hand and hold it down, we start to stare into each others eyes, and she pulls her hand away then looks away embarrased, we continue to watch the movie, she get up to do something. When she gets back she lays down next to me and puts her arms around me, so i start to run my fingers through her hair, and shes falling asleep, at this time shes still going out with someone, i said to myself that i would never go out with a girl who would cheat on there boyfriend with me, what says she wouldnt do it to me, but with her that doesnt apply to her for some reason. Well the first movies over and i wake her up and put in the next one, we lay down same postion, she says "you can be my cuddle buddy." i was like ok, at the time i was happy just to be near her, i was very lonely, so i watch the rest of the movie, and she wakes up mid movie and starts watching the rest. after that its about 12 pm so i need to head home, we head to my house, and along the way we dont really say anything much, when she drops me off at my house all the time she gets out to give me a hug, she gave me a pretty big hug. i said "Well see ya later, goodnight and sweet dreams." i keep talking to her after that, but that night it was kinda wierd i didnt know if she was interested in me or not, but over time she invites me to movies and such and each movie we end up holding each other. I dont know if she uses me for a reason to break up with her boyfriends, or if she is really interested in me. I try to tell myself to not think about that, that we are just friends, and she is the one who keeps inviting me to the movies and to her house and such, i still like her, but now im liking her more and more everytime i see her, i might be falling in love with her
Its just i dont want to be toyed with like this, my heart is weak and i cant take this running around. I just think that love is toying with me, with becky its wierd she seems interested at times then she seem like she just wants to be friends at others, this has been going on for about a year and a half. I havent felt "love" in a while it seems hopeless anymore, i cant really talk to girls, my friends introduce me to girls and they all have boyfriends, or they end up talking with someother guy at the party, when you cant even trust your heart who can you trust, i just wish i could have someone there to console me, to care about me just someone, but it doesnt seem like thats happening anytime soon. My heart cant take anymore its falling apart as it is. Well me and becky went to go see Spiderman 2 last night and i tried so hard not to but i ended up with my arm around her and her laying her head on my shoulder, i guess the need for companionship out weighed the feeling that i knew would come after...Heartbreak again. A bit of what happened in the movie kinda hit home, at times i almost cried because i kinda described me and becky, besides the superhero part, i dunno if she seen the same thing, but i really need to talk to her and bring these things out, i just dont want that to ruin our friendship.
Yet again i am confused, hurt, and lonleier than ever. Why does it seem that claudia was my only chance at love? Well im tired and need to stop before i burst into tears. Im not trying to get sypathy or anything its just this helps to release some of the pain.
I just got a new puppy his name is harley (i.e. harley davidson ) technically its my sisters, but i pay more attention to it hes a little mutt but hes fun hes kinda bringing up my spirits heres a pic of me and him how old do i look to you, i ask this question to everyone who sees a pic of me
Well give ya a bit of background info ok it was my 18th birthday and i was moving up to L.A. with some of my buddies, i had found a job the day before working with my friends at krispy kreme, i had moved up there to start college at Devry(which i didnt), i was having the time of my life up there, you know those crazy college years, but anyways i was picking one of my friends up at K Kreme and he was working drive thru. We were waiting on him cause he had to take a order out to a waiting car, so we started to honk at him, then some girls in the drivethru were honking back we proceeded to honk back and forth for a bit, then they drove up next to us, and we started talking(it was dark so we couldnt really see them too good, but they looked cute), well we talked a bit then the girls gave us their numbers and fake names and we gave them our names and numbers, we called the next day, and we started talking for a few hours, then we figured out that they we just down the street from us, about a 3 min walk, so we decided to meet outside our apartments.
I got all dressed up and nice, we went outside and waited for them, when they pulled up a girl got out, in a black lace dress and red and black laced corcette,<-not sure on spelling, long black hair,gorgeous face, rosey red lips, i mean the most beautiful girl ive seen, she got out to stretch and she spun around, at that moment everything seemed to slow down as she spun the street lights seemed to shin brighter and my heart was pounding away, she walked up and i could barely speak, and i called them by the names they gave us, then they all laughed and said those are just fake names we gave you, are real names are... the girl in the black dress was Claudia.>we then went up to our apartment for a bit and talked, watched some movies, and such. .Claudia was sitting very close to me and seemed very interested in me, i was surprised that she would be interested in me. but after that we talked a bit on the phone but we kinda lost her number after a few days, and they lost ours. So i was bummed and then my mom came to visit she was a mess, my sis was in Juvenile hall, and with me being away she kinda went through i nervous breakdown (my mom and i are very close) so i had to move back to help my mom out till she got better, so i told my job and my friends, then 2 days before i moved back i got a call from Claudia ,she found my number, i hadnt heard from her in about 2 weeks, so we started to talk and i told her that i was moving back, she was bummed, so i said lets spend the next 2 days hanging out, we went to the movies, to dennies, and just where ever, we were getting really close, then came "THE DAY". i had to move back, still to this day i believe that was one of the biggest mistakes i have made. So i went to see her before i left, it was hard to say good bye, this was on tuesday, and valentines day was on friday, so i told her that i would come down to see her on valentines day. we were both excited, the days until valentines day we talked on the phone for hours.
On valentines day when she came to pick me up from the greyhound station i asked her out. She said yes i was sooo happy we then went out to dinner with some of her friends, we never left each others sides for that weekend, i met her mother and she liked me, it was had for me to understand her at times their from San Salvador and her mother has a heavy accent, but we still talked for a while and got to know each other, i had fun. Then i had to leave again but i promised that i would comeback next weekend, we kissed goodbye then off i went. over the next 3 months i went to see her every weekend and over those 3 months we got very close. We were falling in love we would fall asleep staring into each others eyes, we were inseperable. once when we were saying goodbye while talking on the phone, she said "Goodbye, and I Love You" my heart was a flutter. the next weekend i came down to visit, and one of her friends boyfriends was visiting from out of town so we figured that we should all go out, we went to the macaroni grill, we sat down and started to talk, then Claudia left to go to the bathroom, and her friends were telling me that i was one of the best things to happen to her, that her previous boyfriend was an asshole and was only in the realationship for sex, they had gone out for 3 years, they were thanking me for making her soo happy, that they hadnt seen her this happy in a long time. The whole time we were going out i treated her and her mother like royalty,and her baby sister, i would clean up the place while i was there i would help with dinner, watch her baby sister when ever they wanted, just try and be the nicest guy i could, she constantly told me to quit being so damn nice. :) But all good thing must come to an end, i used to see her every weekend then every other weekend, then every month till it was maybe this month, trips up there cost a bit, but then she decided to come visit me for a week, i was soo excited.
I went and picked her up from the greyhound station then we dropped her suitcases off at my house introduced her to everyone and then i took her on a tour of my town, took her to the arcade (she got me into DDR), to the mall, and took her to dinner, after we got back we just sat together and watched movies all night till we fell asleep, the was the best week of my life, the night before she left we were laying in bed and one thing led to another...we made love. it was my first time, there were sparks flying and everything. we stared deep into each others eyes, and i could just see myself marring this woman, we were so happy, after she left we talked on he phone almost everynight, charged up about 450$ on my cell phone, but we got that fixed, anyway we couldnt end up seeing eachother for another 2 months when my family took a trip down to the beach there, we brought her along, as we were walking down the boardwalk, we sat down and talked for a long time about us... we were both hurting (long distance realationships are very hard) we had decided to break up for the moment. we had been going out for about 6 months or so. we still talked on the phone and IMed eachother, but not as much, but i told her that if she wanted she could see other people, cause at the time i cared more for others than my self, well about 1 month later she tells me that she has been talking to this guy and was asking me if it was alright if shes starts seeing him, i said yes, but the little voice inside me said no, i surpressed that voice, i still talked to her and asked how everyone was doing, even her new boyfriend. well about 8 monhs pass and she tells me that her boyfriend was looking for a "ring" for her, that was one of the worst feelings i have ever felt, my heart sung to my feet, i was at a loss of words, all i could say was "im happy for you".
Well time went on and i seen a link on her profile about her boyfriends webpage, i went there, and he was referring to her as his wife... but they were not married, just the idea that she would get married to him was horrible enough. I immediatly turned off my computer and cried myself to sleep. Well its been about 3 years since i first met Claudia and i havent stopped thinking about her, but recently i have been trying to change my attitude on life, i have been nice for too long and i need to say fuck everyone else, care about me.
I still call her every now and then, just to catch up on things but recently she has been wanting me to come down and visit, and she says "I Miss You", i can tell by her voice that she really means it, i want to go down there and just talk about everything, but i just dont want anymore heartbreak. She was my first love, and will probably be one of the best things that happened to me. I figure if i go down there, that it will realease all these pent up heartbreak and emotions, but i dont want to do anything to ruin our realationship as friends, i wish we could go back to the way it was, but the more i hope for things the worse they turn out. Im just lost right now, but i promised her that i would go visit her , and i told her that i would never break a promise to her.
i just need to see her one last time at least.
I thought it was forever I thought it was true but time has a way to change those two i want you close i want you near i want to stop crying these tears i want to go back to those days of old the times when the nights werent so cold when time has passed and the page has turned when all the bridges have been burned i realise that its just not so to go back to those days of old
Well things are getting a bit better, my folks have calmed down a bit, i just got a new phone (for me that such a big thing, cause the phone was originally gonna cost 300$, but i could upgrade my phone and get it for free), and ive been able to say what i feel easier. so things seem to be leveling out for me which is one thing that i really need right now, and one of my best friends is coming back from iraq for a month and he can always make anyone have a good time, hopefully he will help me meet some girls while hes down here.
well i have been working in autoCad again and i have designers block or something i working on game designs for a game me and my friends are working on, and i cant seem to think of anything to make, ive made some ok weapons but im stuck, and drawing blanks if ya can any suggestions, its gonna be a FPS
well im still here in front of my comp messing around with my autocad stuff, been meaning to get back into it
it seems recently i just cant get to sleep, i guess cause i have too many things running through my mind at the moment, hopefully this will help me to get some stuff ofa my mind
